4 September 2009

Celebrity Watch: Of Course Oasis Has Split Up Again

Who’s a chart-topper and who’s out of tune on this week’s countdown of fame
(Caitlin Moran)

“OASIS SPLIT!” the headlines roared. And CW knows what you were thinking: “Holy guacamole, I am too jaded to read much past ‘OASIS SP . . .’.”

News that the Gallagher brothers have had a massive mid-tour fight and imploded had a “Groundhogian” element to it. Over the past 14 years one could have made a passable impression of being psychic by sporadically rising from an easy chair and shouting: “I have a feeling that Oasis will split this week after a violent bust-up in Germany!” Statistically, you would have been right with impressive frequency. Oasis split all the time — it’s what they do.

The band has cancelled tours or split no less than four times, including an incident where Liam Gallagher, under the influence of crystal meth, assaulted Noel with a tambourine. Not even a proper instrument! Just something kids play at drop-in centres! No wonder Noel was furious. The general consensus — not least held by the Gallaghers — is that they are incompatible. Noel is a well-rounded soul, with a nice line in Lennon-esque put-downs (“Liam is a man with a fork in a world of soup”), who just wants to put in an honest day’s work, doling out the rock equivalent of spag bol to 40,000-seater arenas. Liam, on the other hand, appears to be a borderline psychotic Scrappy-Doo, who would offer out some fog if he thought it had looked at him funny, and appears to be sporting the hair of Paula Wilcox in the 1974 run of Man About The House.

Essentially, Liam is a mystery, wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside a git. He is the man who called 57-year-old George Harrison “a dirty old nipple . . . sweaty old mushroom”, threatened to smash Paul McCartney “to Jupiter and back” and said that if he met Harrison, he’d “stand on his head and play golf”. This, despite the fact that he had previously said that anyone who didn’t like the Beatles was “a prick”.

It’s estimated that the scuffle has cost the band £4.5 million — but this is an essentially nugatory sum. There are, after all, only so many anoraks and pictures of John Lennon a man can buy. No, the real ramification is just what cultural fixture can stand in for Oasis, during the sulky solo-projects period to follow. There are millions of men bereft of an opportunity to go to a concert, drink beer, hug and bellow nonsense. CW hopes security at Last Night of the Proms is ready for a sudden influx.

Source: www.timesonline.co.uk


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